I’ve been following the Portugal-England match with intense interest and emotion. Maybe you, kind reader, are finding it diffult to discover what competition we are disputing with the English, as our contry is involved in so many sports events. I’m talking about the missing children championship. At the moment, the battle is red-hot and the supporters are, as we say, a show within the show. We shout: “Mur-de-rers! Mur-de-rers!” And they reply: “In-com-pe-tents! In-com-pe-tents!” And we say: “Pee-jay! Pee-jay!” And they sing: “McCanns, you’ll never walk alone!” It gives you goosebumps.
For those among you who have not followed the competition since the start, I’ve been collecting clippings from the national and the British press, which allow us to follow the dispute’s evolution. Here they are:
Portuguese press: “An alleged little girl, allegedly English, who was allegedly spending holidays in the alleged Algarve, allegedly disappeared from the alleged hotel where she allegedly was staying.”
English press: “A British citizen, beautiful as an angel, was abducted in the Algarve today. Five minutes after the crime, the Portuguese police still didn’t know the identity of the abductors, who are probably numerous and of Arabic origin.”
Portuguese press: “The British couple whose daughter disappeared in Portimão was interviewed by the Judiciária today. The English showed sad and tearful faces, which are typical for guilty people.”
English press: “The Portuguese police questioned the McCanns today, instead of going out into the terrain and searching the authors of the crime. As usual with Third World citizens, they prefer less tiresome activities to those that actually imply working.”
Portuguese press: “Despite it being evident that the parents are no good, the prestigious Polícia Judiciária (which is considered one of the world’s best) continues its selfless search for the abductors of the little English girl, when their time would be better spent searching for equally missing Portuguese children. We remind you that the most recent matches between Portugal and England, within international football competitions, were always won by Portugal.”
English press: “The McCanns have returned to civilisation today, returning from Portugal after having been made arguidos by the authorities of that African country. Wait, I’ve just checked the map and it seems that Portugal is in Europe. But barely.”
Portuguese press: “Kate and Gerry McCann, the couple from the United Kingdom, the country that was also home to Jack, the Ripper (a murderer that, by the way, the British police was unable to catch to this day), has fled into their country where they possess a hiding place in the Leicester area”.
And this is where we’re at.
source: Visão, 13.09.2007
* Comedian, author, columnist